Isolation unravels who you think you are. I realized all too late that my entire identity revolved around my friends and the interactions facilitated by them before quarantine. 

My reality was, in truth, was never my own. The shocking realization that I was only a reflection of those around me rather than someone experiencing life through their own lens came to me in a place of deep contemplation. 

I reflected on the things I had done and that the motivation for doing them didn’t come from within. For example, the idea of college has only come from others’ expectations of me, when truthfully, being an artist is my only goal for self-expression. 

Things like that weren’t for me, Rah-San—they were for the sake of being accepted. Truly, it had nothing to do with being understood or being comfortable with myself. 

For a long time, I had no true foundation, clinging to any and everyone that I could derive any semblance of happiness from. When it was finally just me, with no one else to balance on the weight of the world on my shoulders, I had a  choice to make — either be shattered under the weight of it or manifest the strength of individuality.

I had to look at myself objectively for the first time in seventeen years just to realize all the damage that had been done. To pick apart the fragments and rebuild who you are is something that takes the strength of more than just yourself.

The past year has been hard times—therapy and difficult conversations galore. 

How can you live peacefully if nothing is certain? A virus has taken my vision of my future and flipped it on its head, forcing me to rethink every fundamental that had been laid previously. 

The plight of self-awareness is being faced with who you are and deciding what to do with it. Oftentimes, you see people either crumble under the weight of not knowing or give into the uncertainty of things. 

Life is riddled with struggle, and laced within is never truly knowing what’s around the next corner.

My thoughts used to be overwhelming, to the point where this body had become a burden rather than a tool to complete my ideals. 

It feels like I find myself within a river at times.

 I can recall days where I felt as if my mind was being drowned in rapids and my body could do nothing but blankly stare into the void as my thoughts continue to assault me. It was to a point where I would sometimes literally curl into a ball and stay in that position for extended periods of time.

I wasn’t able to love myself, and as such, showing love to those around me became all the more difficult. Those thoughts used to keep me from living in the moment. I was a prisoner, caged within my own head.

I’m a firm believer that life has no set definition, and it’s your job as someone aware of existence in itself to give it meaning.

Throughout quarantine, I’ve been soul searching in every sense of the term. 

Within my spiritual findings, I’ve discovered many things that now shape my perception of the world, both outwardly and inwardly. 

The most interesting of these findings is Brahman from Hindu teachings.

 My initial exposure to it was a YouTube video called the “The Egg” by Kurzgezat. The creator didn’t credit the original Hindu teachings in their analysis, but through this source, I was able to find a wealth of information. While it can’t be truly defined, one interpretation of it is that we all share the same underlying soul and derive from one divine source. It’s something along the lines of the soul reincarnating so much and so often that you and the people you interact with could share the same soul and you wouldn’t be aware. 

I’m sure it isn’t the most accurate interpretation as it came from a Western lens, but that aside, it’s still a very fascinating concept to ponder on.

Most spiritual understandings that I’ve taken on have in some way to do with the journey of the soul. The physical body is a vessel, a means to an end, a tool for your soul to learn what it is to be finite. We as physical beings are conduits for the universe’s energy to flow through. In that semblance we are the universe, simply condensed. Ever-expanding and reaching farther into the unknown. 

We have existed for all time, before it was ever defined and measured. Regardless of what you believe, the Law of Conservation of Energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another. As such, these forms that we’ve taken are billions of years in the making. It’s a beautiful thing to be aware of, and yet despite all of its glory, we exist in such an odd place in time. 

The revolution of energy is even seen in our lives often through our experiences. 

I’ve recently come to terms with how much my traumatic childhood has come to affect my present. My actions are all reflections of experiences that have yet to resolve themselves. I sit and reflect on these things when I have the chance to derive reasoning from them. It almost acts as oil to some of the older gears turning in my head.

Outside of all that, there’s also a chance that there exists nothing beyond the physical realm and that the human ego causes us to inflate things in hopes that we aren’t simply masses of flesh on a floating rock in the universe. 

Whatever being the case, if what I believe is true or false, it brings me peace of mind at the very least. 

I’ve occupied a lot of my time contemplating life’s mysteries throughout quarantine and I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.