Satire: Anti-Maskers Anonymous


Julian Lopez-Albany, Reporter

Reading Time: 2 minutes

“Hi everyone, I’m John Doe…and I’m an anti-masker.”

“Hi, John,” the rest of the group said. Their embrace warmed the cold seat I sat in. They became quiet after that, and it was my time to share. I was the last one left.

“It’s really hard being me,” I said. “I get dirty looks everywhere I go. It seems like nobody wants anything to do with me…”

“Yessir!” one of my group members yelled.

“I’m denied basic necessities. I can’t buy food, I can’t go to the DMV. I can’t even go to the doctor’s office. I’m kicked out of everywhere I go—they yell at me, and all I did was shove them. It honestly feels like…everyone hates me. 

“I just wish they could accept the truth. Let me ask any of you…does this COVID stuff make sense?”

“No,” everyone replied.

“Do you know anyone with COVID?”


“You believe all of the lies these scientists are telling us?”


“Exactly…if all these people got it, how come we ain’t got it? If all these people died, where are the bodies? It’s obvious, guys…they want us to conform, to bend to their will! They want to flex their power, but we won’t let them!”


“It’s what they’ve always done. Another fake disease, another fake law, another fake protest. But will we believe it? No! This disease ain’t real, we know the truth, we’re living it! 

“Those millennials, those scientists, those feminists, Anthony, are living lies! Wearing masks, shields, gloves! We can’t breathe in those things. It’s a fact we are breathing in our own oxygen, they don’t tell you how dangerous that is, they’re trying to kill us! 

“Now they want to inject us with mystery juice? Vaccines? The stuff that kills our children? I don’t think so. That’s just what those big-wig politicians want…more Pizzagate madness. 

“But let me ask you some more. Do you want to go back into Walmart?”


“Do you want freedom?”


“It’s only been about two weeks since our last barbeque, y’all want another one?”

“Yes we do!”

“Are we the truth-seekers?”


“Now lastly, are we sheep… or are we wolves?”


“Now let’s go show those vaccine sheep the real truth!”

Everyone rose out of their chairs, put on their Oakley glasses, prepared the signs, ironed the American flags, and packed the sour cream and onion Ruffles. I smiled. 

We were all together—a family, spreading the truth. I walked up to each of them and gave them a big breathy hug. I grabbed the sign that someone in the group made for me—“SHEEP” in such beautiful calligraphy. 

I swung it in the air. “Dodgers Stadium, here we come!