Wired earbuds in, matcha in hand, and a copy of Little Women pulled from my newest tote bag bought from a local independent bookstore, I scroll through Spotify trying to find a female indie artist to listen to, one that’ll allow me to strike up conversations with beautiful women who value deep, introspective music.
If I was a performative male, this might be my reality—partaking in extensive and expensive matcha drinking, wearing small and slightly cropped shirts and big baggy pants, carrying all of my belongings in tote bags, listening to all of my favorite indie female singers through wired headphones, and more.
A performative male is an archetype of a man who takes on traditionally feminine interests with the intention of connecting with women and building relationships. The primary goal of these performative males is to build romantic and sexual relationships.
Performative males are known for listening to artists like Clairo and Laufey who fit into what I call the performative male music trifecta: sad songs about romance that inspire performative males to treat women better; a feminine and soft voice that whispers sweet nothings in a way that almost makes them sound meaningful; and a fan base that is primarily liberal women.
They’re also known for reading feminist literature, wearing wired earbuds, dressing slightly feminine, wearing a carabiner on their belt loop, liking Labubus, liking matcha, and more.
Performative male culture has been heavily amplified by social media. Social media has shifted the performative male identity from a stereotype based on reality and instead turned it into a joke.
Performative males are mocked for their inauthenticity and feminine traits. Many performative male contests have been held across the nation in many big cities and colleges. At these contests, people who aren’t performative males often dress up and pretend to be performative males in hopes of winning prizes which are often things like gift cards to bookstores, matcha, feminist books, or vinyl records of albums from artists like Clairo and Laufey. Maybe, they’ll even attract a woman.
In the case of both true performative males and those pretending to be performative males for the humor, though I appreciate the commitment to getting the girl, I don’t think pretending to share interests with a woman is the way to make that happen.
The real way to build good rapport with a woman is to actually care about her interests. Whether you’re interested in them or not, being willing to learn about the things that she cares about makes you seem attentive and caring.
As for her values: you should truly care about the things that she thinks are important. Pretending to care about feminism doesn’t benefit anybody.
At the end of the day, inauthenticity does not breed familiarity; it breeds distrust.
I can admit that the performative male identity is a complex one. To be a performative male you have to have the right clothes, the right music taste, the right books, the right accessories, the right interests, and the right values.
These things individually aren’t what makes a performative male bad. These things together don’t even make a performative male bad. The thing that makes performative males bad is the performativeness.
There is nothing wrong with a man liking matcha (I like matcha, too). There is nothing wrong with a man listening to Clairo or Laufey (I listen to them, too). The problem is not the traits. The problem is the motivation behind those traits and the deception.
Nobody likes to be deceived. Nobody wants a friendship or relationship built upon false notions.
Aside from the failed attempts to connect with women, another big issue with performative male culture is that it is built on consumerism.
Buying a $7 matcha every day just to look cool and trendy isn’t going to make you feel better about yourself. Buying countless Labubus for at least $30 each is not going to impress women, it’s just going to drain your bank account and contribute to overconsumption.
The way to be cool isn’t by buying endless things you don’t need, don’t like, and won’t really use. They’ll just end up in the landfill.
Performative males: you need to stop buying Labubus and start being la-you-you.
When you embrace who you really are and what you care about, you attract people who like you for you and care about the same things as you.
Performative male culture needs to end and if it doesn’t, relationships will suffer. Stop building your connections upon land which isn’t yours. It’s not stable. Embrace who you really are and others will embrace you too.
